Safekeeping

Immature gatekeepers left to fend for themselves tend to cower in the shadows of perceived offenses.

Yesterday, I yielded to queries about my current area of focus in regard to personal development. My knee-jerk reaction was to be vague, but I didn’t want to intentionally weaponize mystique when I knew it was safe to be forthcoming. My answer, “I’ve been groomed to be on guard at all times, I am actively breaking this behavior.”

Transparently, I want to be loved deeply. I want to engage in a love so complex that touch emits language and eye contact swallows like bourbon; smooth and warm. I want to laugh so hard that sentences are left incomplete because they’ve collapsed into belly aches of hilarity. I want a love that locates my frustrated inhale and then meets it with compassion by the time it renders an exhale. A love that doesn’t question a cry, but expands its borders to receive the pool of vulnerability—salty, seasoned with sapience. Love like this doesn’t just fall from the sky.

This genre of love is birthed in the mirror (literal or metaphorical). I sat naked in front of a mirror a few nights ago. Neither pleased nor displeased with what I observed, but a commitment to employ accountability rose to the surface. I whispered to myself, “I am safe.” Safe to be forgiven. Safe to… be. Safe to be perceived through eyes that only ever counted up wreckage and wrongdoing. Safe to try again and succumb to the breath of restoration.

In cultivating a belief system of safety, I acknowledge that I’ve participated in self-sabotage by being easily offended in the past. As a kiddo, I was left to stand guard over my body, my emotions, my mind… it became easier to stay ready so I didn’t have to waste time getting ready (to protect myself). I’m grown now. I’m safe now. Everyone is not out to harm me. Everything isn’t a personal attack. Everything is only all about me in my own world.

As a forever student fortified by street smarts, I’ll know when danger is imminent. In the meantime, I don’t have to hide from mirrors. Unfuckwithable, is the one who isn’t afraid to be human and love herself to life with patience, peace, and practice. The shadows of offense are free to stay behind me as I take up residence in the light of restoration.

I am safe.

xx,

kayla