Healed Hearing
Healed ears hear differently. Journey with me; circa 2003. While sitting in my second favorite class (Advanced English), the administrators sent a hall pass for me to go downstairs to the principal’s office. Leaving my things in anticipation of a quick return, I headed down in anxious curiosity. When I got to the last step, I saw my mom, my dean, and my principal. We walked into a door that, until that point, I’d never noticed even though I walked past it every day.
Inside was a conference room with a long table that sat the three middle school counselors, my dad, and my biology teacher. My heart sank into my stomach and somehow my swallow rang like an echo. I was rattled with fear. Every garment on my person was drenched in a nervous sweat.
The tone of the room didn’t feel good at all; it felt tense. My biology teacher began to speak. Turning red as a tomato, she tearfully confessed that she was intimidated by me. “It’s the way she looks at me and you never know what she’s thinking; it’s intimidating and it makes my job difficult.”
They continued to converse, but I hid within myself as their words fused together in a crescendo of accusation. There was never a warning. I never knew I was doing something wrong; I couldn’t remember looking at the lady.
I loved school because it was my safe space. All of the work was so easy that I didn’t have to pay attention. I only had to sit down, do the work, and be quiet. The biology teacher didn’t know that her cooked crocodile tears were signing my certificate for corporal punishment. Maybe she did know (perhaps that was the goal). I left school that day feeling like a bad kid—what kind of kid scares a teacher without even trying to?
For a couple of decades, I’d heard the same confessions. Different voices, same claims. It would make me cringe like salt to a snail.
Present day, someone began to share their unsolicited opinion about me in a lighthearted conversation, “Your presence is very intimidating, but not in a bad way… it’s actually incredibly inspiring.”
In June 2023, I finally decided to look up the definition of intimidate:
to make timid; fill with fear
to overawe or cow, as through the force of personality or by superior display of wealth, talent, etc
Knowing that I’ve never intentionally aimed to instill fear or awe, it became clear that the onus isn’t completely on me in regard to how I’m perceived. While it doesn’t matter who hates you in this world, who likes you is very important. The fruit of being well-perceived is only as rewarding as the quality of one’s authenticity.
Healed ears hear differently. When you are not waiting to be affirmed at every encounter it’s easy to filter out opinions through the colander of personal truth. Knowing who you are tunes your ear to the frequency of stability. Healed ears receive and reject seed with authority and precision. Sometimes healing happens gradually, sometimes healing is a choice. I choose not to be offended by every voice; it’s far too exhausting.
Every claim could be met with a rebuttal if it’s worth your time, but I’ve retired from the convincing business.
My response, “Hmmm, interesting.”
xx,
kayla
