Releasing Religion

I heard it suggested, amongst the greatest mystics are those who, at the crossroads of insanity and surrender… chose surrender. Surrendering to a belief in the existence of something greater than themselves; greater than this world. I’ve found myself at this crossroads; maybe for the first time as a small child… where fight, flight, or freeze weren’t enough options and the desire was to be rescued. As with most desires, suitable selections of fulfillment began to unfold before me and I became acquainted with the Christian faith. This was my rescue at the time. Fitting that a deific fatherly entity would come to see about the child whose burdens she thought she could no longer bear.

I held tightly to this belief system because I thought it was the only stability available as I withstood the rumbling winds of life. Wisdom would soon reveal that being anxiously attached to anything is a mere consequence of an impoverished skillset (or even a penurious mindset). It (Christianity) was all that I had; so it seemed… so I gave it all that I had (all of my hope, all of my faith, all of my commitment). I donned the self-designated responsibility of the prayer warrior and waited with wonder. Day after day, year after year, decade after decade… I waited with wonder.

This specific waiting, earnestly crying out to that which is beyond the sky, postured me in a position of perpetual anxiety. To my understanding, praying was simply talking to God and according to the teachings of the Bible… if I asked God, He’d give (“Ask and it shall be given you, seek and you’ll find…”). While I don’t believe these concepts are rubbish, they no longer apply to me. I believe there is a God, a being, a source much higher and greater than man. I believe that the same source is on the inside of each person and living thing that is created. This source, the life-giving substance that is on the inside of us, is activated or squandered based on our will.

I don’t have all of the answers, neither am I searching for them. I have though, been released from the burdening sense of disappointing God at every turn. What is beyond the sky is outside of my jurisdiction; the spirit realm is active right in front of me and within me. God isn’t everything my parents failed to fulfill waiting to punish me for my shortcomings and developmental delays resulting from trauma.

I am filled with spiritual giftings, there is certainly something greater than I. I don’t have enough information to classify its origin. I am available to surrender to the active substance of life-giving power within me… to beautify the ashes of longstanding cyclical strongholds of despair. I have what it takes to be restored; the happiness that was planned for me from the beginning is mine now and ever shall be mine (even if I have to willfully part from the scales (on my eyes) of limitation that have blurred my perspective).

I have what it takes to enact my own rescue.

xx,

kayla